June | 2016 | Welcome!

I don’t know

Whenever there is something I want to convince you I don’t care about I have a variety of possible responses. I might say, “I don’t care,” but probably not. “I don’t care” is just too simple, too direct, and too non-passionate to convey any sincerity at this point in our history when “phenomenal” means second rate. “I don’t give a darn” or a “damn,” too, is too weak nowadays, so I’m more likely to go with a “rat’s ass” or a “shit” or a “fuck” or even a “flying fuck,” knowing that the louder, the more vulgar I got, the more I believe you’d understand just how important it is to me that you believe I don’t care about whatever it is that occupies this particular moment in our conversation.

What I saying here—and, frankly, I’m not too sure this is something I want to be known for—is that regardless of how important or unimportant our topic is to me, it is still more more important that I convince you that, quite frankly, Miss (or Mr. or Ms.) Scarlett, I don’t give a _______! (You may fill in the blank here, but “rat’s ass” is definitely my favorite.)

Right now I’m thinking of Omar Mateen who seemed—according to the NY Times—to be deeply committed to convincing himself and the rest of the world that he was not gay. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I don’t give (all the way to) a flying fuck about Omar Mateen’s motivations or self-perception. Of course should I say it in just that way, you’ll have more than sufficient reason to doubt the veracity of my claim to indifference. You might—I might think—think, “If he doesn’t care about this, why is he making such a big deal out of telling me he doesn’t care about it?” Then you just might use that logic to feel yourself more perceptive of my true inner being than—dare I say it?—I myself.

Such a claim to superiority could certainly lead to no good, and we both know that!

In the wake of Mateen’s killing of 49 people and wounding of more than 50 others there have been postings on Facebook and other social media of the ease with which Americans currently are able to obtain AR-15’s.

One woman claimed it took her all of 7 minutes to do so at a Pennsylvania Walmart. Now Walmart has announced it will suspend all AR-15 sales, so you know it’s stock will be sold off to far less conscious retailers to then be sold to an eager American public.
A man (I think he was in Georgia) lollygagged at the cash register–perhaps reading the Enquirer, so it took him 15 minutes to become so armed.

Now some of you have seen the video of me quite competent with a variety of pistols pouring lead into a target in northwestern Connecticut. How big a stretch is it to imagine that same me, not an Enquirer reader, AR-15 in hand, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did, indeed, not care about whatever we might have been discussing? And yes, that includes such delicate issues as the Yankees pitching rotation, the use of small, hidden motors on Tour de France bicycles or the Tony award for best costume design in a musical revival.

And for those of you who might be wondering, “Why doesn’t he just shut the hell up and show us some pictures,” here they are.

Thank you very much.